MY YAHOO EMAIL IS A WHORE

I’m not one to throw shade, and I’m not sure if I know how to properly pull off such a nuanced act as throwing shade, but I must say that my yahoo inbox is a straight hoe. EVERYBODY has that email and for the last 11 or 12 years, it’s done everything, seemingly with everyone.

I’ve had messy breakups with girlfriends on yahoo and also received dirty selfies, before it was even called a selfie. It was before the invention of apps for sending dirty selfies, which, unfortunately, caused dirty selfies to have a super long shelf life. This was when people actually used a digital camera to take the selfie of their smutty parts, having to redo it multiple times, so that it was neither blurry, nor too dark. Then, you had to connect the camera to the computer, upload the pic to the computer and then attach it to an email. In hindsight, that really doesn’t sound sexy and was way too much work to send a pic that could haunt the sender for years into the future.

If you’re under 30 years old, that probably sounds like biblical times, but there was a time before the Internet, which is the most powerful change agent in the last 25 years.

Hahahahahahahaha
WHAT WAS YOUR PROFILE NAME?

My Yahoo is also full of digital detritus of my past life of being actively on Friendster and Myspace, where my profile name was I Tuck It In My Sock. It doesn’t doesn’t require an uhhh, “stroke” of genius to decipher the meaning of my name, which actually is less porny than my actual name-Dick Burroughs. I do miss some of my friends on those two profiles, but since social networking sites, pre Facebook, allowed a user to use virtually anything for a profile name, I simply don’t know how to begin my search for JuicySuzie or TasteLikeCandy, from the wild, early days of social networking. Funny thing is, I used to still get these random Friendster messages, up to just a few years ago.

It was literally some sort of ghost in the machine, and not in the philosophical sense, since Friendster had long been inactive, but I was still getting the messages from rando people. I couldn’t figure out where the mystery messages where coming from…like that movie Frequency, where the dead dad talks to the son through a ham radio. Maybe they were trying to tell me something, like give me lotto numbers and I totally blew it. I could be typing this from my private jet, instead of punching keys on an outdated Macbook pro, wondering if I should get an air conditioner this summer.

My yahoo is also filled with emails from international chicks that want to meet and marry me, like I’m really about that mail order bride life. I’m sure they speak and write perfect English, but their missives are always written in some pigeon English. They’re selling the fantasy of a girl from a small village in Eastern Europe, but in reality they’re chain smoking Marlboro Reds and tongue kissing another girl in front of a busy cafe in Prague. Probably sitting in a late model BMW.

THIRST TRAPS THAT KILL
THIRST TRAPS THAT KILL

Those emails always give me the image of those nefarious girls from the movie Hostel, who were setting thirsty dudes up for dough. In that case, thirst killed!

This is how their emails read- “hi hello. I would want to meet nice man for marry. My name is _ _ _ _ _iana, what do they say for your name”.

I am not called gullible, so I just keep it moving, but my email addy just keeps getting peppered with these heathen come-ons, like I’m gonna break down at some point and reply

My Yahoo regularly gets emails from the both the Gucci and the Goodwill store.

I also get emails, for shit in the U.K. Paris, Germany and Amsterdam, because at some point, someone purchased an email list that my yahoo addy was on. I used to frequently get emails from a massage parlor over in Amsterdam, though I’m not sure why. I did visit Amsterdam and did hit up the red light district, but i didn’t patronize any services like that, which is what everybody says when trying to hide some weird tranny hooker, vacation moment, but I was with my girlfriend for the whole trip and she stuck close like a gun in holster.

Not to mention Africa, cause a lot of people in Africa (various countries) seem to think that I’m a frickin’ imbecile, and that in 2015, I might still fall for some okie doke, bank scheme. Maybe my Yahoo is somehow requesting these emails, or I’m just on one big ole hustle list. BUT, they are always very respectful and always call me Sir or Monsieur and honestly, I’d rather have a courteous scammer than a rude one.

I think my yahoo had some sort of illicit affair, a three way if you will, with Daily Candy and Thrillist, because they have sent me, by far, the most emails ever. When the monkey face aliens come to earth and unleash the virus that decimates mankind and turns people to zombies (I just described 50% of the series lineup on SyFy & FX network), they’ll think that Thrillist and Daily Candy were stalking me. Daily Candy is no more and in her honor, Thrillist started sending me twice as many emails. I’ve created a filter for them, yet my yahoo keeps passing them through to me anyway.

I'M THE ANTI-HACKER
I’M THE ANTI-HACKER

My Yahoo emaill is littered with a bazillion emails from hundreds of websites, where I requested to reset my password. I’ve reset so many password, it’s like i failed spy school. I’m the anti-Jason Bourne, can’t even hack into my own accounts, let alone some semi swarthy villian/double agent, hellbent on doing something bad. I’ve reset so many passwords, my yahoo probably thinks that I’m stupid. It probably wonders why I haven’t fallen for any of the Nigerian Bank Scam emails. Wait, is that a slur, because I was going to name my new band Nigerian Bank Scam. Well, I’ve never actually had a band, so that wold be my first band’s name.

The world is far too PC, I think I’ll just stop before I offend somebody. Now if I can find the password for my Hotmail account, we can really get dirty!

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TRULY BROOKLN

The Brooklyn Experience With Experienced Guidance

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Musings and choosings from a simply complicated gal.

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