Hot Pockets Commercial Pitch

By Richard Burroughs

I’m not calling it a sell-out, because that term has no place in a rap industry that sold out its integrity and pride, for record sales, quite a while ago, but the Hot Pockets commercial is kinda weird. My pendulum has swung from amused to annoyed a few times and since it’s seemingly on every website I visit, I’ve seen it  enough times to imagine how the cast  of the  commercial was constructed.

An ensemble cast has certain dynamics and has to be pitched in certain ways to ensure that people get on board……I imagine the agent pitch went something like this:

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SNOOPS AGENT: Big D-O double G, guess who’s back on the doggie bone

SNOOP: I told you to dead all that double talk cousin

SNOOPS AGENT: Ok, here’s some straight talk Snoop Lion, you need to let the Dogg back out

SNOOP: Ok Ok

SNOOPS AGENT: Hot pockets got a check waiting for Snoop Dogg to be in its new commercial

SNOOP: But I got shitted on for the other video I did for them

SNOOP’S AGENT: It’s a big check

SNOOP: How big

SNOOP’S AGENT: Dude, bigger than Kate Upton’s brassière

SNOOP: Damn, that’s big

SNOOP’S AGENT: And Kate Upton is in the commercial with you

SNOOP: Well let’s get it crackin’ nephew, it’s the D-O double G…but for the record, the Dogg don’t Dougie

SNOOP’S AGENT: Not a problem, but they want Bow Wow as well

SNOOP: Why?

Trust, this was his only image from the commercial online
Trust, this was his only image from the commercial online

BOW WOW’S AGENT: Bow Wow, you got a minute

BOW WOW: What man, I’m busy

BOW WOW’S AGENT: Bow Wow, you’re not busy, remember I’m your agent

BOW WOW: Whatever, what’s up

BOW WOW’S AGENT: I’ve got a commercial for you, it’s an ensemble cast and….

BOW WOW: I told you, I’m not doing anything for Gap Kids

BOW WOW’S AGENT: Noooooo, it’s for Hot Pockets and it’s an ensemble cast

BOW WOW: Can I show my tats? I gotta show my tats, let people know I’m a grown man

BOW WOW’S AGENT: I’m sure we can work that out. So as I was saying, it’s an ensemble….

BOW WOW: Am I spitting, I gotta spit, let’s these dudes know I still got bars

BOW WOW’S AGENT: (snickers) hey man, I’m sure we can work that out because it’s with……

BOW WOW: I get any hoes, dudes need to know I still got wild groupies on deck

BOW WOW’S AGENT: Even better, Kate Upton is in it

BOW WOW: SAY WORD!!! Hey, you think she might smother me with them joints? Can we have an EMT on set

BOW WOW’S AGENT: I think most of her scenes are with Snoop

BOW WOW: Wait, why they putting Snoop in my commercial….They do know I’m on 106 & Park, right

BOW WOW’S AGENT: They’re paying in cash + candy crush credits

BOW WOW: Nice, I’m in….but I still want an EMT on set just in case

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KATE UPTON’S AGENT: Kate, I got Hot Pockets on the other line

KATE UPTON: Wait, is that the rapper from Philly

KATE UPTON’S AGENT: No it’s not a rapper, it’s a snack

KATE UPTON: Oh yeah

KATE UPTON’S AGENT: It’s for a commercial, you work with an ensemble cast

KATE UPTON: I’ve never worked in a cast before, can I get a bunch of rappers to sign it

KATE UPTON’S AGENT: No, I mean it’s a bunch of other people in the commercial like Larry King

KATE UPTON: Bawse

KATE UPTON’S AGENT: I’m not really your boss, I’m your agent

KATE UPTON: Roozay

KATE UPTON’S AGENT: Anyways, it also stars Snoop Dogg

KATE UPTON: OMG, book it Benny, book it

KATE UPTON’S AGENT: And Bow Wow from 106 & Park

KATE UPTON: Wait, is that considered Harlem….? then why not just get As Soon As Possible Rocky..the more rappers the better

KATE UPTON’S AGENT: Bow Wow is a rapper

KATE UPTON: Whatever, as long as he signs my cast and can dougie….

KATE UPTON: Oh, and no bikinis Benny, I think I’m getting under exposed

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LARRY KING’S AGENT: Larry, I’ve got two words for you HOT POCKETS

LARRY KING: I’ve never heard of him…..is he a rap artist

LARRY KING’S AGENT: No it’s a snack, you put it in the microwave for a few minutes and……

LARRY KING: Ahh, ok. But can I get any good quotes, snacks don’t really talk a lot

LARRY KING’S AGENT: no no no, not for your show, they want you to be in a commercial with Snoop Dogg

LARRY KING: What, Snoop Lion wasn’t available….that guy is controversial and you know that’s right up my alley

LARRY KING’S AGENT: and with Kate Upton

LARRY KING: BONKERS I’m in…..can we have an EMT on set, you know, just in case she want’s to snuggie

LARRY KING’S AGENT: Already done, you’re working with Bow Wow as well and I think an EMT is already in his rider

LARRY KING: Good….oh, can you ask him to bring his sister to the set, always been a fan of her music

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BIZ MARKIE’S AGENT: Biz, I got a commercial and it’s all worked around your song…..

BIZ: They caught the vapors

BIZ MARKIE’S AGENT: Not that song, the one where you warble like you’re being tortured by Huck from Scandal

BIZ MARKIE: I’m the father of off key….T-Pain, Pharrell, Akon, Rihanna, they all owes me a check

BIZ MARKIE’S AGENT: Ok Biz, just make sure you sing horribly, we need a home run with this one

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OLIVER COOPER’S (The Butcher) AGENT: OC, what do you think about Hot Pockets

OLIVER COOPER: I think that I’m eating too many of them because you’re not doing your job and getting me more work

OLIVER COOPER’S AGENT: No, they want you to be in a commercial with Kate Upton, Snoop, Bow Wow and Larry King

OLIVER COOPER: What’s the concept

OLIVER COOPER’S AGENT: Well it’s the butcher, the baker and……

OLIVER COOPER: yeah yeah yeah and the candlestick maker, whatever dude, just book it, this Hollywood lifestyle is expensive

OLIVER COOPER’S AGENT: Great, it’s gonna be huge for you

OLIVER COOPER: speaking of huge, is Kate Upton wearing a bikini cause if so, I may need an EMT on set

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RAY J’s AGENT: I can call again, but they seem set on Bow Wow. I think his people already hit the casting agent

RAY J: But I hit it first

RAY J’s AGENT: Just tell people you’re in it, people get you guys confused anyway

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MAURY POVICH’s AGENT: Listen MP, they’re going with Larry King on this one

MAURY: Daquan………………You are not the father!

MAURY POVICH’S AGENT: They think he’s more relevant

MAURY: The lie detector determined that was a lie

MAURY’S AGENT: Listen I gotta jump, Sweet Brown is on the other line

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One Comment

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  1. Why did make this?

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