THE MIGHT MIGHTY INTERNETS
CONSUMPTION IS KING
By RIchard Chandler Burroughs–The public knows a lot about famous people. In fact, we sometimes know way too much about celebrities and it’s mainly because, like Bubbles the snitch, the Internet stays dropping dimes in our ear about the famous. In general, I try to avoid time suckers. I avoid a very distinct variety of people and all Tyler Perry productions just to keep my time from being wasted, so I’m normally on guard for any type of website that plies visitors with salacious stories about celebrities whom I do not personally know. Sometimes I fail. I fall asleep in the guardhouse and click on one story that leads to fifteen minutes of Biebs, boobs, Bossip and Obama.
My failure is evident because, It’s no good reason for me to know that Rihanna “supposedly” snorted cocaine off the top of her bodyguard’s head at the Coachella festival. I should not know that incident happened. Better yet, I don’t want to know that happened; I think. Regardless, I actually know it happened……and how’d THAT happen? I’m not a voracious consumer of tabloid news and of course, I’m defining voracious, but I normally have several different projects going simultaneously, so free time is definitely not in abundance.
I know other things as well. I know that the political candidate named Anthony Weiner scored off the charts on the irony index. Since the English language is well-stocked with euphemisms for the male anatomy and since that well-stocked cupboard includes weiner, Weiner getting caught texting a picture of his weiner sounds like a story line from Parks and Recreation. It also anointed Mr. Weiner as the patron
saint , sinner, face of sexting. Perhaps that’s why, as a guy named Richard and known as Dick at Nite, I exhibit caution when sexting, lest I destroy my burgeoning Astral Physicist career and become a laughingstock,…….the scientist dick, named Dick, who got caught sending pictures of his…..
Ok, I don’t know much about physics but I do know about Tiger Woods using his putter on women that were not his wife and that Mel Gibson is a racist, sexist, anti-semite and probably unwelcome at Danny Glover’s house for those molly fueled, Lethal Weapon reunion parties.
(Note: Danny Glover probably has no idea what a molly is, it was just funny thinking about it…….and if he does, I hope I never see him rolling on one)
It all quite kibbles and bits.
When twenty-four hour news channels first smacked the world with in-depth coverage of obtuse banality, we thought a particular threshold was breached. Non-stop news stations created a content void that required incessant feeding, like the greedy, jive-mouthed, venus fly-trap from Little House of Horrors, and cranked non-stories to small stories, small stories to big stories and big stories to Y2K. Yet in retrospect, those were the halcyon days for personal privacy and for the state of celebrity minutiae masquerading as news.
Waking at 4am and turning on the television to a live news channel was revolutionary when used to TV stations signing off the air for the day. Yup, if you’ve never witnessed it, TV stations would end their broadcast day and then the screen would turn to nothing…..just snowy fuzz or those dreaded color bars. Standing on the vast bridge that spans insatiable content hunger and endless stimuli, a pre-cable television landscape is slightly visible with the aid of a telescope and looks quite similar to a setting in a phantasmagorical Steampunk story.
Cable TV definitely ratcheted up the noise that comes from reporting of non-stop information, like Michael Jackson’s hair catching on fire while filming a Pepsi commercial. But that was bush-league over-coverage as compared to the undulating, constant news stream that is now provided by the internet.
IF 6 WAS 9
Baby bumps, drug addictions, plastic surgery, unchecked libidos and mental instability of the rich & famous keeps the Interwebs in orbit. Many web sites and social media platforms are breaking real news stories first, such as Osama Bin Laden’s assassination and Whitney Houston’s death, while trumping broadcast and cable Television news with a SMH, OMG and LOL to spare.
All of that got me thinking about how the incessant feeding on celebrity, by the Internet, would have affected history if the Internet would have been in wide use a quarter century earlier. With that in mind, here’s my Top 3 List of people who would have been “Weinered” by the Internet. But Weinered in the original definition because he’s far from a consensus pariah now, with his political comeback obviously master minded by the R. Kelly P.R. agency.
In no particular order:
Sneaking around through secret White House tunnels, sexing movie stars on the regular and consorting with gangsters. He would not only have a sex tape out, he would have a box set of sex tapes remastered by Criterion Collection. The cold war might have ended earlier if the leaders of other nations saw the impressive nature in which JFK was chopping down Hollywood royalty and interns alike. He would have been the political version of “The Most Interesting Man In The World”, putting the brakes on the arms stand-off with a state sanctioned, stag-party tour, perhaps getting Fidel Castro to make it rain paper money bearing the face of Chez Guevara. TMZ cries for such a president now…
Mr. Hoover was a cross dresser and would probably have killed himself in response to the embarrassment from getting caught doing a clumsy strip tease while dressed like Betty Page, which might have subsequently killed off COUINTELPRO, which might have made Huey P. Newton the first black president instead of Barack Obama. It’s perfectly fine for White people reading this to pause and say a little thankful prayer that history didn’t take that course.
His indiscretions and questionable behavior, that people only talk about, reads like a laundry list of Internet fodder, with gambling, womanizing and bully tactics leading the list. I’m pretty sure that Mr. Jordan conducted himself like a Lannister, perhaps King Joffrey, given the pedestal that we perched him on and if there was Twitter, Facebook, World Star Hip-Hop, Instagram, Vine or even Myspace, in the 1990’s, I’m sure your royal Airness would have a Q rating similar to A-Rod……and very possibly the same sort of career filled with feats, stats and highlights, but less all the champions hardware.
That would have stunted the growth of the NBA, stunted the growth of basketball culture, stunted the growth of ESPN, stunted the growth of his Air Jordan line, which would have stunted the growth of Nike and on a positive side, the “Interneting” of Jordan would have stunted the growth of Kobe Bryant, because without MJ, Kobe has no idol’s game and swagger to base his career upon. Kobe needed a benchmark, he very well may not have possessed the necessary makeup to become the benchmark.
But hey, this is just my list, I’m sure you have your own top three. Now let me get back to
watching World Star Hip-Hop writing this proposal.