Trader Joe’s Brooklyn-Before Snowstorm

Trader Joe’s Brooklyn was like a Will Smith movie or any Armageddon type flick, where something is going to devastate the world and people rush out to get provisions. Now mind you, we are experiencing the 2nd falling of snow in the last 12 hours, but still, it ain’t catastrophic!

The empty shelves at Trader Joe’s resembled the cupboards in the homes of the customer’s who were greedily snatching the last boxes of vegetable broth. There was no more whole wheat penne pasta, no more whole wheat rice, no more whole wheat English muffins……there was no more whole wheat wheat! When did whole wheat become all the rage? Everything white was available; bread, pasta, rice, a few women cruising for some blizzard bump & grind.

They we’re all out of cage free, brown eggs, while the white eggs were stacked like that chick from The Hills after multiple surgi-enhancements. The conversation on the ridiculously long line was just as ridiculous. Line’s like “they say we might get 3 feet” and “I might not come out of the house for a few days”. Now, those lines might not initially sound ridiculous, but think about it.

If you’re purchasing enough groceries and dry goods to stock a catholic food pantry for a week (or the Octomom’s house for an afternoon), on the words of a meteorologist who says to expect 3 feet of snow, then you my friend, are stoopid! Not just dumb, but probably a hypocrite as well, because when the weatherman usually calls for rain, you don’t believe him. When he says evening showers, you say “funk that” and wear those blue suede shoes that all your friends loathe. You don’t trust him to predict something fairly simple like a few inches of rain, but suddenly, he’s smart enough to accurately predict multiple feet of snow. So how’s that work in other areas of life? The contractor that botches the remodeling of your front porch is the contractor you entrust to build your new home?

The line “I might not come out of the house for a few days” makes no sense for this current job climate, because everybody knows that there ain’t no snow days when the unemployment rate is so high. Here’s how the conversation goes:

YOU “Hi Mr. Simpson, I’m not going to be able to make it to work today because of the snow”
MR. SIMPSON “You’re fired……Mary, get me HR on the line”

So all of the people in Trader Joe’s were either self-employed, unemployed, underemployed or just frickin’ rich and wealthy, in which case you SHOULD NOT buy up the last of the cage free, brown eggs!

(p.s. the snow is really coming down now so forget everything I said)


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